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ADOPTION MYTHS
In past generations, adoption has been a process that has been handled
by secrecy and mystery. Unfortunately this has caused the general public
today to have misconceptions about present adoption procedures. In response
to these persisting myths of adoption, the adoption coalition has prepared
the following information, which more accurately reflects present day
adoption practices.
BIRTHPARENTS WHO CHOOSE ADOPTION FOR THEIR CHILD DO SO OUT OF GENUINE
CONCERN AND CARE FOR WHAT IS BEST FOR THAT CHILD’S WELFARE.
Birthparents will choose adoption to provide their children what they
personally would if their present circumstances permitted--a family
who is prepared educationally, vocationally, financially, and emotionally
to raise a well balanced child. Birthparents choose adoption because
they want what is best for their children, not because the children
are unwanted.
BIRTHPARENTS PLACE THEIR CHILD FOR ADOPTION. THEY DO NOT ‘GIVE UP’
THEIR CHILD.
In most agencies dealing with adoption, birthparents are given the opportunity
to help choose the type of family they prefer for their children. They
are also able to determine how much contact they want with the child
after birth until the adoption consents are signed, and whether or not
they want to name the child or assist in the naming. They may also be
given the opportunity to provide a letter or gift to the child and/or
his adoptive parents, or to participate in a letter and gift exchange
with the adoptive parents. The birthparents truely make a well thought-out
plan for adoption, in which they have a sense of control. They are not
helplessly giving up their child for adoption.
BIRTHPARENTS REMEMBER THEIR CHILDREN LONG AFTER THEY PLACE THEM FOR
ADOPTION.
There is a myth that birthparents will forget about their children after
the adoption has taken place. Birthparents are naturally apt to feel
sadness long after the adoption, even though they believe they have
made the right decision. Birthparents who are provided with post-placement
counseling are able to constructively focus their feelings of love and
loss, thus facilitating the grieving process. As they move on with their
lives, attaining their goals, etc., they will think about their children
and the significant impact they have had on their lives.
ADOPTION IS A LEGAL PROCESS BY WHICH TO CREATE A FAMILY.
The process of adoption should be kept distinct from the person who
is the adoptee. On the simplest level, this means preferring, “Our child
was adopted,” to “Our child is adopted.” The first sentence correctly
describes a single and past event in the child’s life. The second conveys
an ongoing significance to the state of being adopted. Individuals who
refer to a child as “special” because he is adopted can likewise subtly
implicate that adopted children are somehow different from other children.
Adoption is a different way to create a family, but the children of
that family are not intrinsically different.
KNOWLEDGE OF ADOPTION IS IN THE BEST INTEREST OF THE ADOPTEE.
Again, most organizations who deal with adoptions advocate that the
word “adoption” and its concept be shared naturally and gradually with
the child by his adoptive parents as he grows, so that the significance
of his adoption is not overly emphasized. Waiting until the child is
in his identity-seeking teen years can be very destructive. The adoptee
can understandably react as if his whole life has been a lie. He may
no longer believe he can trust his family or their values--his identity
is lost.
ADOPTEES WHO SEARCH FOR THEIR BIRTHPARENTS ARE NOT REJECTING THEIR ADOPTIVE
PARENTS.
There is a persistent myth that if an adoptee really loved his adoptive
parents, he would not search for his birthparents. Adoptees who search
are seeking their biological and cultural heritage--not a new set of
parents.
THOSE WHO PROVIDE ADOPTION EXPLORE ALL AVAILABLE OPTIONS WITH BIRTHPARENTS.
Those who provide pregnancy counseling want the birthparents to choose
what is best for themselves and their children in their particular situation,
regardless if that decision is to place for adoption or to parent their
child.
PHRASES WHICH CONVEY ADOPTION NEGATIVELY INCLUDE:
Real parent, put up for adoption, adopted out, illegitimate child, unwanted
child, given up, hard-to-place child, and children available for adoption.
PHRASES WHICH CONVEY ADOPTION POSITIVELY INCLUDE:
Birthparent, biological parent, adoption plan was made for, baby joined
the family, born outside of marriage, they are awaiting the birth of
a child, and adoption available for children.
FROM MYTHS TO REALITY-REASONS FOR OPEN ADOPTION:
1. CHILDREN HAVE A CONNECTION TO THEIR BIRTH PARENTS THAT BEGINS EVEN
BEFORE BIRTH & CANNOT BE CHANGED OR DENIED BY LEGAL DOCUMENTS.
2. CHILDREN NEED INFORMATION ABOUT THEIR ORIGINS TO HELP FORM A PERSONAL
IDENTITY, AND IT IS BETTER FOR CHILDREN TO DEAL WITH REALITY-EVEN HARSH
REALITY--THAN WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF FANTASIES.
3. CHILDREN NEED TO KNOW THAT THEIR BIRTH FAMILIES CARE ABOUT THEM AND
THAT THE ADOPTION DIDN’T REPRESENT A REJECTION.
4. BIRTH FAMILIES NEED NOT REPRESENT A THREAT TO THEIR CHILDREN OR TO
THE ATTACHMENT BETWEEN THE CHILDREN AND THEIR ADOPTIVE PARENTS.
5. BIRTH PARENTS NEED TO KNOW THE OUTCOME OF THEIR PREGNANCY AND ADOPTION
PLAN TO FEEL PEACE ABOUT IT.
6. ADOPTIVE PARENTS FEEL MORE AUTHENTIC WHEN THEY RECEIVE PERMISSION
FROM THE BIRTH PARENTS TO BE THEIR CHILD’S PARENTS AND SEE THAT THE
BIRTH PARENTS’ INVOLVEMENT WITH THEIR FAMILY DOES NOT DIMINISH THEIR
PARENT-CHILD RELATIONSHIP.
7. FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS ARE HEALTHIER IN AN ATMOSPHERE OF OPENNESS AND
HONESTY. FROM “THE OPEN ADOPTION EXPERIENCE”
Used with permission
AS AN ADOPTION SERVICE WHICH IS FOCUSED MAINLY ON THE NEEDS OF THE
CHILD, THE BELIEF IF THAT IT IS CRITICAL AND IMPERATIVE FOR THE ADULTS
INVOLVED (BIRTH PARENTS AND ADOPTIVE PARENTS) TO MAINTAIN CONNECTION
AND CONTACT OVER TIME. BUILDING BRIDGES THROUGH PICTURES, LETTERS, VIDEOS,
AND POSSIBLY FACE-TO-FACE VISITS WILL ASSIST THE CHILD WITH ADOPTION
LOSSES & IDENTITY FORMATION. IT NEEDS TO BE AN ONGOING GOAL OF ALL CONCERNED.
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