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A number of states have passed state laws requiring several hours with a licensed adoption counselor. Other states require what is called an “advisement” in which the birthmother is advised of her rights and the state laws governing the adoption and relinquishment. The adoptive family is responsible to pay the counseling costs. Any ethical adoption practitioner will always make sure that strongly encouraged and counseling offered. This can be prior to and after delivery or weeks after giving birth. Counseling should be with what is called an “adoption literate” counelor. This means someone who is familiar with adoption issues such as grief and loss, shame, fear, openness, mythology, and other areas important in understanding this complex process. Birth mothers are always surprised by the amount of intense feelings and grief experienced after giving birth. On a regular basis, I hear: “Ellen told me the truth about this loss.” By dealing with grief and loss rather than bury the feelings, one will be better equipped to move forth with goals and plans feeling emotionally healed. Counseling is also important because it helps not only prepare one for the reality of adoption placement, but can assist in clarifying feelings should there be a subliminal desire to parent. Even in very open adoptions, counseling is needed and helpful.
Ashley-felt she was not interested in much of an open adoption. She
was locked into the myth that it would be more rather than less painful
if she saw her child grow over time. She was willing to accept a couple
of letters and pictures each year, but saw no need for actual visits.
The adoption literate counselor helped her to understand the needs of
the child she would be placing around identity formation and connection.
At first, Ashely moved slowly during a first and second visit, but soon
realized her pain lessened rather than increased. She found this to
be very surprising and was grateful she had used the counseling. Etura - told me she just “wanted to get on with her life quickly.” She didn’t want to bother with counseling, reading, open adoption, a hospital plan, or getting to know the adoptive parents well. She refused to cooperate in state mandated counseling sessions and after giving birth, quickly realized she could not place her precious baby for adoption. She called me to apologize saying how sorry she was not to have listened. Katy - was a foster care teen who resisted counseling because she had been in counseling most of her life and did not trust that anyone would keep her conversations confidential. Once I reassured her that all her sessions would be confidential and that she could interview and choose her own counselor, she agreed to some limited adoption related counseling. Janet - was a college graduate who was stable and had had what she described as an “ideal’ life. She wanted a very open adoption and read everything given to her. She sailed through the process minimizing the importance of emotional counseling. Because she had so much clarity about her decision, she didn’t expect to experience much grief. After giving birth, Janet sank into serious post partum depression unable to fully function. I referred her to a psychiatrist who prescribed an anti depressant. I also sent her to the well known “Grief Recovery Institute” for intensive grief counseling. She was surprised that she would require this, but was grateful saying it made a huge difference and was highly valuable. She said because she thought of herself as being highly functional, she would never need any counseling. Megan - has suffered many many losses in her life. When I shared with her the fact earlier losses would merge into the adoption placement, she agreed to counseling. She did not like the agency counselor assigned, so I helped her find someone who was more “user friendly” and compatible for her personality. Her counseling not only encompassed adoption issues, but her many other losses experienced when younger. Counseling helped her to better prepare for the signifant losses experienced in adoption and previously when she was younger. Brittany - said she was a very private person who didn’t want anyone to know about her counseling. I reassured her it would be totally and completely confidential. She found it difficult to open up, so I advised her to concentrate on the nuts and bolts of the placement: her wishes around giving birth, her fears, the difficult birth father, her worries about an open adoption, and her family dealing with her unplanned pregnancy. This allowed her to discuss issues without feeling she had to discuss her most private issues and feelings. Tanya - was raped and extremely resistant to any counseling whether it be adoption related or through the rape crisis center. Most rape victims feel terribly ashamed and are traumatized as a result. Tanya went to only one rape crisis session and said she could not go to any more. Six months after placing her baby daughter for adoption, she was in so much pain she agreed to seek both rape counseling and private counseling to help deal with the issues. She had not been sleeping at night and was having flashbacks of the rape. She was depressed and was unable to go to work every day. Eventually as she healed, she trained and joined the rape crisis center in her area counseling others. She has been able to maintain a loving open relationship with the adoptive family for the sake her of child conceived in rape. It hasn’t been easy, but she is slowly healing with the help of continued counseling. Effective
counseling is critical when trying to make an important decision as
to whether or not one keeps or relinquishes a baby or older child for
adoption. Adoption literate counselors have the skills and know how
to guide and assist during such a crisis driven time. Although therapy
sessions are paid for by the prospective adoptive couple, sessions are
confidential and meant to help the Prospective birth parents without
there being an agenda or pressure to only place. |
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